


A Slippery Situation

by islandsmoke



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-06
Updated: 2012-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-25 14:26:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18576340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandsmoke/pseuds/islandsmoke
Summary: Lupin has been experimenting. It may, or may not, have been successful.





	A Slippery Situation

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Daily Deviant prompt: lube  
> They always say, 'write what you know.' I tend to ignore that, but in this case, I actually know quite a bit about carrageenan and just how much slippery slime a small amount of the powder can produce. And while I have never had the fun of slime wrestling, I am well acquainted with the difficulty of cleaning the stuff up.  
> Betas: busaikko and Hogwarts Honey

~~~~

"Lupin, what the hell… !"

"Oh, Severus, be careful!"

The warning was too little, too late. As he strode over the threshold, Snape's feet suddenly went out from under him. With an undignified squawk and flailing of his arms, he landed on his backside with a loud 'squish' in the several inches of goo that covered Lupin's office floor.

He tried to get to his feet, but the soles of his boots couldn't find purchase and he fell again. With a thunderous look at Lupin, he pulled his wand.

"No, wait!"

Once again, too late. Instead of vanishing, the goo simply became deeper.

Very carefully, with a hand clutching a nearby table, Snape got to his feet. When he tried to wipe the goo off his clothes, it simply smeared, coating his hand and then oozing slowly from his fingers to fall in big drops that plopped loudly into the mess on the floor.

"What _is_ this stuff?" Snape sniffed the clear, gelatinous substance, then took a tentative taste.

"Carrageenan."

"What… ?"

"Carrageenan. It's a polysaccharide found seaweeds such as Chondrus Crispus, Radula, Spinosum…."

"I _know_ what carrageenan is, you imbecile."

"…Chamissoi and the like."

"Why are there several inches of it on your floor?"

"I was experimenting, and… things got a bit out of hand."

"Is that why you're naked?"

Lupin flushed a deep red. "What are you doing barging into my office, anyway? The door _was_ locked."

"I saw this… stuff… seeping under the door and though you might be in some kind of danger. I should have known it was merely incompetence." He cocked his head. "So why _are_ you naked?"

Lupin drew himself up, looking remarkably dignified for a person with no clothes on. "I was trying to keep it off my robes. It's the devil to get out – no, easy enough I suppose, but it takes huge quantities of water, and you see, the house elves aren't too happy with me after the incident with the… well, never mind. I just didn't want to antagonize then."

"All right." A smirk twisted one corner of Snape's mouth. "But, why are you naked _with an erection_ in the middle of a room full of the slickest stuff since…." His gaze suddenly sharpened. "Lupin, is this some kind of _lube?"_

It was hard to project superiority with his hair standing up in slimy spikes, but Lupin somehow managed.

"Carrageenan has many uses. It's an emulsifier and a gelling agent; it's used in everything from toothpaste to ice cream to embalming fluid to airplane de-icer. Whatever that is."

Snape rubbed some between his fingers. "And it also makes an excellent water-based lube I would imagine."

"Well, yes, it does."

Their eyes locked for several long seconds, then Snape's gaze flicked around the floor.

"Why didn't _Evanesco_ work?"

"No idea."

"So how are you planning on getting rid of this mess?"

"I was working on it."

"And your hard-on was part of the plan?"

"Look Severus, are you going to help, or are you just going to be a giant arse about it all?"

Snape summoned his most innocent look, which, truth to tell, was more of a smirk. "Help with your slime, or help with your erection?"

Lupin stalked, very carefully, with tiny steps, over to where Snape stood clutching the edge of the table. He grabbed the front of Snape's robes and hauled him in for a searing kiss. The effect was somewhat ruined, however, when the action shifted Snape's center of balance, sending his feet out from under him again. He grabbed desperately at Lupin, but his hands slipped on Lupin's slimy skin and they both went down with a mighty 'splat'.

"Dammit, Lupin. My robes…!"

"Were already a mess." Lupin's grin was gleeful as he rolled on top of Snape and sat up, straddling his waist. He held out his hand, and his wand slapped into his palm. He held the tip against the collar at Snape's throat, and for a moment Snape's eyes widened; then, with a whispered word, Lupin vanished all his clothes.

Snape sucked in his breath, then looked surprised. "It's warm!"

"I _am_ a wizard," Lupin scoffed, tossing his wand at the desk. It slid across the surface, and without a sound, dropped into the goo on the other side and disappeared.

"Not a very good one," Snape growled as he tried to lever Lupin off of him. He failed.

Lupin laughed, scooped up a handful of slime and plastered it on Snape's chest, smearing it around with both hands. Snape tried again to unseat Lupin, and succeeded in tipping him over on his side. He tried to get a hold on Lupin's arms, but it was like trying to grasp a watermelon seed; Lupin just popped out of his grip and sidled away, giggling like an idiot. Snape made a dive for him and succeeded in getting his torso on top of the slippery werewolf. He then threw a leg over him and struggled on top, pushing himself upright to sit firmly on Lupin's hips. His hair, thick with lube, hung in his eyes. He tried to use the back of his hand to push it away, but only succeeding in plastering it more firmly to his face.

Remus smiled softly as he reached up and pushed the hair back, then let his fingers trail down Snape's neck to his chest. He rubbed his thumbs over Snape's nipples, then scraped the sensitive nubs with his nails.

"Kiss me, Severus." Lupin's voice was husky.

Snape opened his mouth to make a scathing retort about propriety and papers to grade, but suddenly there was nothing that he wanted more in the world than to kiss that stupid werewolf until he made those ridiculous little mewling noises and humped up helplessly against him, begging to be fucked.

He leaned down, sliding his legs back and covering Lupin with his body. They kissed slowly, letting the heat build until they were devouring each other, their bodies squirming together, slipping and sliding and trying to get some purchase. Two stiff cocks rubbed together, but with too little friction to be satisfying.

"Gods, Severus… please… need…." Lupin was writhing under him, thrusting up with enough enthusiasm that Snape slid completely off of him.

"Fuck."

"Yes! Now." Lupin laughed, and wrapping his arms around Snape, rolled them both over until they were close to the wall.

Snape scrambled on top of Lupin again and managed to brace a foot on the wall. Lupin eagerly wrapped his legs around Snape's waist. Snape positioned himself and thrust.

Lupin skidded away from him.

Snape grabbed his ankle and hauled him back. Or tried. It was about a fifty-fifty thing, but Snape didn't care as long as he was back on top of the idiot.

"Hang on, Severus."

"I'm trying!"

Lupin snorted and raised his shoulders a few inches off the floor. He held his arms out straight ahead, muttered something Snape didn't catch and snapped his wrists forward. Ropes appeared in his hands and shot forward, attaching themselves to the wall behind Snape. Lupin pulled, sliding them both through the goo until Snape's feet made contact with the wall. He wrapped the ropes around his hands, and his legs around Snape's waist, and gripped hard. Looking into Snape's eyes, he bared his teeth and growled.

"Now _fuck me_ , damn it."

Snape was more than happy to oblige. The excess lube made his entry far more precipitous than usual, but Lupin just threw his head back and inhaled deeply through his nose. When Snape stilled for a moment to let him adjust, Lupin fixed him with a look that was almost feral.

"Don't stop," it was a guttural growl. "Don't stop for anything."

Snape slipped his hands down Lupin's legs and managed to get a grip on his ankles. He shoved Lupin's legs forward and apart. Using them to brace against, he put everything he had into fucking the werewolf through the floor. The excess lube didn't allow for as much friction as either of them liked, and so he tried mightily to make up for it with the force and depth of his thrusts.

From the stream of pleas, obscenities and praise that tumbled out in a garbled mess from Lupin's throat, he felt he was succeeding.

Sweat was stinging his eyes and he was getting close when it filtered through the haze of lust that had enveloped him that Lupin was begging for something different now. He let go of one of Lupin's legs and reached for his cock. It slipped out of his hand. He tried again, using a much firmer grip than usual and pumping him mercilessly.

Lupin gave a strangled cry and convulsed, his body thrashing and splashing, and his hips surging upward. Snape had to pay close attention to keep from being thrown off, but he rode out Lupin's orgasm, driving in deep and fast, and before he knew it, he was in the grip of his own release.

When he came back to his surroundings, he discovered Lupin was groaning beneath him, and as he released Lupin's legs, the man let go of the ropes, and they both slid forward gently, their bodies straightening and relaxing.

Snape rolled off Lupin with a squish and a splot, and they lay gasping for a moment, the goo almost up to their ears.

"Not bad," was Lupin's amused assessment.

Snape snorted. "But how are you going to get rid of it?"

Lupin sat up with a loud sucking sound and flicked a gob of slime off his finger. "I was thinking a dehydrating charm, then gather up the powder."

Snape sat up and tucked his feet under him tailor fashion. "Might work."

Lupin summoned his wand, dropped it, and picked it up again. He was about to start when Snape spoke. "How about doing the other side of the room first? Just in case."

"Mm." Lupin concentrated a moment, the flourished his wand. The slime on the far side of the room disappeared and was replaced by a drift of off-white powder. The slime on their side immediately started to ooze over, and Lupin raised his wand again.

"Careful!" Snape's admonition came too late, and he found himself covered with dust.

Lupin grinned as they stood up. "That wasn't so bad."

"You missed some." Snape scooped a bit out of his navel.

"I think that's my come."

Snape sucked the substance off his finger and smirked. "I think you're right." He then rolled his shoulders. "My skin feels tight."

Lupin started rubbing his hands over his own body. "It sticks."

They rubbed off as much as they could, doing each others backs, and dry scrubbing it out of their hair. Lupin then produced a brisk stream of warm air from his wand and they blew off the rest.

"That worked well." Snape was surveying the room. It looked rather as though it had snowed.

Lupin waved his wand in large circles over his head and a circular wind sucked up all the powder. He guided the little dust devil over an open jar on his desk and flicked his wrist. The dust settled neatly in the jar, and the lid screwed itself on.

Snape used his wand to suck the dust off his robes, and Lupin donned a set that hung behind the door.

"You want to be careful, though."

Snape shot his cuffs. "How's that."

"When you shower, the traces of powder on your skin will turn to slime again. Nothing like this was," he gestured around the room. "But enough to make the shower damn slippery."

"Ah." Snape thought. "Perhaps the Head's of House bath would be a good idea? There should be enough water to neutralize the remaining powder."

Lupin nodded. "Excellent idea. Might you… need someone to wash it off your back?"

"I think," Snape's tone was lofty, "it would be the least you could do."

Lupin grinned. "I have a few papers to go over. Ten o'clock?"

"That should be convenient." Snape reached for the door, but Lupin's hand stopped him. Lupin turned him and, cupping his cheek with his palm, kissed him gently.

Snape huffed, but was feeling thoroughly satisfied as he headed down the hall to his own rooms. Ten o'clock couldn't come soon enough.

~~**~~


End file.
